Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Shopping sucks. These clothes don't.

I hate to shop for clothing. There, I said it. Kick me out of the Girl Club. Whatever, I don't care. Shopping for books, jewelry, or furniture is fun. But clothes shopping is miserable.
  • a) Prices are insanely high, and I worry about my finances after buying clothes...
  • b) Unless I shop at Forever 21, which is cheap. But most of their clothes look like crap after being worn twice. And really, I'm thirty. Wearing Forever 21 head-to-toe makes me feel silly.
  • c) I don't know what size I wear. Depending on where I shop, I'm a size 4, 6, or 9.
  • d) I despise dressing rooms, mostly because the lighting reveals previously invisible stretch marks. 
  • e) When the clerk pounds on the door and chirps, "How are we doing?" I want to punch her. Who is this "we" to which she refers?!
To avoid high prices, intimidating stacks of the same pant in four different sizes, and saccharine salesfolks, I mostly shop at Goodwill and weird vintage boutiques. They don't scare me, but they make my closet a little scary: I end up with 10 statement piece skirts and a lot of black shirts that ended up at the thrift store cuz they're a little... off. My closet is the Island of Misfit Toys, but for clothes.

So once or twice a year, I make a list of required basics, venture to the mall, and shop with grim military precision. Last week was Shopping Week. And for the first time, it was fun. Is it just me, or are clothes prettier than they were in years past? The shapeless Mary Kate & Ashley neon hobo rags are finally gone, pants are not cut low enough to show off the wearer's bikini wax, and flatteringly nipped waists are everywhere. HOORAY! THANK YOU, MAD MEN!!!!!

Everyone thinks their figure is hard to shop for. And everyone is right. But I SWEAR it's hardest for those of us who are simultaneously small and curvy, and not-quite-petite but definitely not tall. A large chest makes me look fatter than I am, and a small waist and large hips make it difficult to find pants that fit. BUT! These things fit like a dream and make my someone-else's-trash thrift store stuff look like treasure.
The Limited Grosgrain Waist Pleated Skirt
This high-waisted skirt is endlessly flattering. I love it so much, I bought it in teal AND black.

G by Guess Tara Trouser Jeans
The neat cuff, dark wash, and smart buttons on the back pockets make these jeans ideal for work.

The Limited Side-Stripe Cardigan Sweater
See the black stripe on the side of this sweater? It whittles your waist down to nothing and gives the illusion that you've been on the French Model Diet for a year. It looks good with sweater guards, too!

 I'm going to live in this Fall 2009 Nine West dress from TJ Maxx. Missoni-ish and not from Target?!

I had one big OOPS moment, and I'm not sure how to wear these:

Ralph Lauren Lyn Slimming Classic Boot Cut Corduroy Pant
Red pants? What was I thinking?! But they're as comfy as pajama pants, and I know they'll cheer me up during a dreary winter. What would YOU wear with red corduroy pants?

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