Friday, October 28, 2011

We broke up. Now I guess when Beyonce gives the command, I'll put my hands up.

We all hate people who present a perfect online personoa. You know, "I'm naturally a size 2! I live on cupcakes and cocktails and gee I wish I could gain some weight! I'm married to a Ryan Gosling clone (feminism included), and look at the flowers he sent me at work today! My house is perfect! It's full of Heywood Wakefield furniture I found for, like, $2 at Goodwill!" GO DIE. But it's a balancing act: How do I write honestly without violating other people's privacy? Maybe my newly minted ex boyfriend doesn't want our breakup posted all over the internet.

xkcd nails it again.
also, the camera was his. hence the lack of recent entries.

Yeah, breakup. I said it. 

It happened a few weeks ago, and I've been struggling with how to talk about it. Pretending it didn't happen feels disingenuous, but I don't want to say much about it in this forum. Not because I want to pretend I'm perfect, but because I respect his privacy. I'm okay, just weathering the usual ups and downs that follow a breakup. I probably need to get out of the house more, but I'm shy about reaching out and making plans with other people. *cough* *cough* call me *cough* Painting, reading A Feast for Crows, and repeatedly watching Annie Hall isn't so bad, though.

Someday this will probably all be hilarious.
So. Let's talk about my top five most hilarious OTHER breakups:

5.Three days after our breakup, he was trying to replace me with DUDES. Um, yeah. I might have done some online snooping. It was a creepy thing to do. But his new online profile was MUCH creepier. Promise.

4. He was still in love with his ex wife. We started dating a year after he separated from his wife and moved to another state. But he broke up with me so he could have a super-fun paper-signing party. For two. With the ex wife. Who he was SO SO SO over. Riiiiiiiiight.

3. His church made him do it. We'd only been dating for a few weeks when he told me his church elders said I was an evil temptation, and he couldn't see me anymore. Umm... thanks? YAY BIBLE BELT!

2. He stood me up on Valentines' Day. And that was the only signal he gave that we were breaking up. Seventh grade boyfriend, wherever you are... don't worry. I'm totally over it. Totally.

1. He rolled around on the floor in garbage to prove how much he DIDN'T need therapy. I can't make this up: He kicked over a garbage can, flopped to the floor, and had a temper tantrum. He flailed and yelled, "I don't need therapy!" while he rolled around in trash. Um. Yeah. CUE BREAKUP.

(Fun fact: two of these are THE SAME GUY. Guess which two and win a prize!)

This reveals way too much about my bad taste in men. Let's ignore that, shall we?
Time and perspective make everything funny, right?
I seriously need to get out of the house this weekend.

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