Monday, November 28, 2011

Four Weddings and a Funeral is stupid. Except for the hats.

I just watched Four Weddings and a Funeral for the second time in three days. I had to re-watch it to put my finger on exactly what bothers me so much about the movie. I wanted to love it, because it has so many things I like: Bad hats, awkward British people, dour matrons, young Hugh Grant, young Hugh Grant's floppy hair and crow's feet, and awkward dour British matrons in bad hats. It would've been perfect, if not for the awful romance.

Please take each other out of the dating pool for the sake of everyone else. Thank you.
Exhibit A: Charles
Charles is a bachelor who says he's still single because he's waiting to be struck by love-lightning. Really, though, he's mean to women and so indecisive he can't even commit to not committing. We meet five of his ex-girlfriends and learn that he mocks women when they are sick, makes fun of their weight, and talks badly about them behind their backs. His hot-and-cold behavior leaves his most recent ex-ish girlfriend, Henrietta, an emotional mess. Take one look at Hen, and you realize that dating Charles is a nightmare. You wouldn't wish this dude on your worst enemy. But Charles has really cute hair, so it's okay.

Exhibit B: Carrie
Carrie is The American, so she is aggressive and extroverted. Stereotype, WHAT? Roger Ebert says that her character is smart. But I'm not so sure, because she never goes beyond superficial banter. What I can tell is that Carrie really, really, really needs male attention, and she gets it by inviting strangers into her hotel room. Even if it means cheating on her fiance. Desperate? Yeah. Dangerous? Maybe. Self-esteem? What's that? Penises are neat! I'm Carrie, and I want all the boys to look at meeeeee!

The icky plot, with spoilers...

Thursday, November 3, 2011

My Roy Lichtenstein Pop Art Comic Book Halloween Costume

How was your Halloween? I hope you got lots of candy. I didn't get any candy, but I did get to spend time with lots of friends. And I won second place in a costume contest! I am so proud of this year's costume. If you're considering a Roy Lichtenstein or Pop-Art costume for your next costume party (who can wait 'til Halloween, right?), DO IT. It's much more fun than being a slutty fill-in-the-blank, and you probably have most of the supplies at home, so it should be cheap. The very talented Amy of Ace of Face did my makeup, but you could do your own.


Here's a guide to your Pop-Art transformation...

Supplies:

Outfit:
Cardigan, skirt, shirt, and shoes in Pop-Art primary colors
Nude stockings you will never wear again
Washable red Magic Marker
Pearl earrings and necklace

Thought bubble sign:
Foam core board
Pencil
Fat black Sharpie
X-Acto Knife
Wooden dowel
Black and white paint or spray paint
Clear tape

Makeup:
Black liquid eyeliner
Black pencil eyeliner
Gigantic fake lashes
Q-Tips
Paintbrush or very fine makeup brush
Red lipstick

1. Assemble your outfit. Put on your stockings and use the red marker to make an even grid of dots ALL OVER your legs. Contort into crazily painful positions to do the backs of your legs like I did, or have a friend help. Let the ink dry 20 or so minutes before removing the stockings. Now you look like you have a bizarre case of measles from the waist down. Take a shower.

2. Make your word bubble. Trace the shape and letters onto foam core board with pencil. Do both sides, so you're saying something whether you're coming or going! When it looks right, trace back over with black Sharpie. Cut your word bubble out with an X-Acto knife. Paint the wooden dowel black, and paint one end of it white where it will attach to the word bubble. When the paint is dry, tape it to the back of your word bubble.

3. It's makeup time! Put on your outfit, but leave the wig and necklace for last. Begin by doing your makeup as you usually would: Apply concealer, foundation, blush, and a light off-white eyeshadow on the eyelid. Then apply heavy black liquid eyeliner, extending upward AND downward 1/4 inch from the outer corners of the eyes. Apply mascara and false eyelashes. Draw over your natural eyebrows with black pencil eyeliner, making them slightly larger than they really are. Don't put your lipstick on yet!

4. Now it gets fun! Use the red cream makeup and the tip of a Q-Tip to apply an even grid of red dots all over your face, neck and upper chest. This part looks scary. Don't worry, you're not finished yet. Let the makeup dry completely, then dip the paintbrush in black cream makeup and draw lines outlining your features. Outline your entire face, the tendons in your neck, your collarbones, one side of your nose, and the indentation between your chin and mouth. Draw on cartoonish fake cleavage. Apply red lipstick, and outline your mouth in black. Do this last, because it's so easy to smear it otherwise.

5. WAIT FOR EVERYTHING TO DRY. Don't be like me. I got excited, put on my necklace too soon, and ruined the makeup on my neck. When everything is dry, put on your wig and necklace. Now take LOTS of pictures, and go enter a costume contest! 

NOTES:
  • If your stockings get wet, the ink will run. You've been warned.
  • Carrying that huge sign around means EVERYONE knows where you are, at all times.
  • Carry a small black clutch. Don't ruin the effect with a big brown purse.
  • Dumb guys will ask you if you're dressed up as a girl who has the measles. It's perfectly acceptable to say, "No, I am dressed up as a woman who is not talking to you."
  • Practice doing your makeup at least once before you debut the costume in public.
  • I know you're tempted to paint your face white underneath those red dots. I was too. But don't do it! It looks creepy.