Wednesday, December 5, 2012

But Let's Ask the Important Question: Where Will Johnny Depp Hang the Clown Painting by John Wayne Gacy?*

Stop the presses! Johnny Depp allegedly bought a 19,000+ square foot McMansion in Nashville for $17.5 million, and it's exactly 15 minutes from my place. Not that I found the address and Google mapped it or anything. Naturally, my first thought was how is it decorated?!  The answer? Like Costco's idea of old money Southern gentility. Seriously, WTF?! 

The alleged Depp spread is a column-bedecked faux plantation, built in 2001. It's full of cookie cutter let's-pretend-it's-antique stuff that my mom would love (HI MOM! I LOVE YOU!), in tasteful neutrals, with absolutely no personality. Seriously, if you scroll down really really fast, these pictures are a brown blur that kind of looks like mashed potatoes and gravy. Do it. It's funny.


Welcome to Fake Tara, built in 2001! Fake slaves not included, you jerk. Check the MLS listing. Jeez.
Why yes, there was a sale on faux Louis XV armchairs at Costco! How did you ever guess?
Someone's been shopping at Books By the Foot. And I think my grandma had that rug. In 1996.
ARE WE SERIOUS? Someone honestly thought it was oh-so-clever to make a bar shaped like a giant bottle cap?
Because people drink beer at bars. And beer comes in bottles. And bottles have caps. OH, THE WIT!
Okay, this picture kind of does it for me. I love the herringbone flooring, and the thought of curling up in front of a fireplace while
being outdoors
makes me smile. But what's up with the TV mounted too high on the left? THIS IS NOT A SPORTSBAR, Y'ALL.
Mr. Depp, you have your work cut out for you. 
When you're ready to redecorate that  library, let me know. 
I'll be glad to help.

8 comments:

  1. I am especially pleased that you found the address - I was feeling really lurky and I wanted to know where this gigantic eyesore was even located. My bet was on Franklin, so color me surprised!

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    1. You just know that he and Jack White are going to go shopping for accessories together. I'll send you the address privately. :D

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  2. This was the best re-cap every. You said exactly what I was thinking (but way better) when I first saw the home pictures. It is a snooze-fest. I thought Mr. Depp was "cool" and not into world market grandma chic.

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    1. I know, right? Last night at dinner, Keith pointed out that he IS 49 years old. Just a breath away from 50. I guess his tastes are changing with age? Either that, or this ALLEGED news report is wrong. My gut says it's not true, but it was so much fun to snark on this house, I didn't care!

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  3. Wait...wait...let me get this straight...they sell books for the purpose of decorating ONLY and not reading? What is the point?

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    1. I know, right? Most of their customers are set designers and people who design the displays for stores like Anthropologie. It makes sense for that purpose, but I think nouveau riche home libraries filled with those books are so tacky!

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  4. McMansions creep me out. And Books By The Shelves-that's a real thing? That creeps me out even more. Let's hope Mr. Depp hires a talented decorator!

    Also, I didn't see you at the Factory! How did the engagement ring shopping go? They have some gorgeous antique rings.

    Adrienne
    What Lola Wants



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    1. Agreed--it's all too big and fake for me. Books by the Foot are mostly used by set decorators and interior designers, but I don't understand why people would want to live with books they don't read. It's so pretentious!

      Shopping for rings was fun! I don't think we found my ring that day, but there was a very special reproduction setting at Walton's that we both liked... stay tuned. :D

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What do you think? Your comments always make my day.

P.S. All trolls will be fed to the bookworms.